Inspirational Quotations by Groucho Marx (American Actor)

If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Jokes

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Marriage

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
—Groucho Marx

Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Sex

It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Unhappiness

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open
—Groucho Marx

Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Marriage

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: People

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Death, Dying

Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: People

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Books

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
—Groucho Marx

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
—Groucho Marx

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Writing, Authors & Writing

My mother loved children — she would have given anything if I had been one.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Children

Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Poverty

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Intelligence

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
—Groucho Marx

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
—Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
—Groucho Marx

I’ve had a wonderful evening – but this wasn’t it.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Insults

Marriage is a wonderful institution…but who wants to live in an institution?
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Marriage

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men — the other 999 follow women.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Leadership

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Books, Reading

A good leader inspires people to have confidence in the leader, a great leader inspires people to have confidence in themselves
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Confidence

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Age, Aging

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Marriage

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
—Groucho Marx

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn’t end there.
—Groucho Marx

No-one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Unhappiness

I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Poverty

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Confidence

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
—Groucho Marx

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Aging, Age

I don’t care to join any club that’s prepared to have me as a member
—Groucho Marx

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
—Groucho Marx

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, “Yes,” you know he is a crook.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Honesty

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Time

It frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Money

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.
—Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Time Management, Time

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
—Groucho Marx

I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Reality

I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.
—Groucho Marx

We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… Now you tell me what you know.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Art

Humor is reason gone mad.
—Groucho Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
—Groucho Marx

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Authors & Writing

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Books

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