Phyllis Ada Driver, better known as Phyllis Diller, (1917–2012) was an American stand-up comedian, actress, singer, dancer, and voice artist, best known for her eccentric stage persona, her self-deprecating humor, her wild hair and clothes, and her exaggerated, cackling laugh.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age — as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Marriage
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Golf
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Fresh
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: One liners, Smile
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Children
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Christmas
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
—Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Children, Snow, Housework
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Old Age
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Parents
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out
—Phyllis Diller
I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Words
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Anger
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Pregnancy
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