Steven Alexander Wright (b.1955) is an American comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.
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I saw a bank that said “24-Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.
—Steven Wright
Topics: Time
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, so. What did you think?
—Steven Wright
Topics: Life and Living
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
—Steven Wright
Topics: Evolution
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
—Steven Wright
Topics: The Mind
No one that has drunk old wine wants new; for he says, The old is nice.
—Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
—Steven Wright
Topics: Boredom
I bought a ticket on Airline Bizarre … a one-way round-trip ticket…. You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday…. that way, you still have the weekend.
—Steven Wright
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
—Steven Wright
Topics: Birthdays
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
—Steven Wright
Topics: One liners, Depression
Babies don’t need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I’ll go over to them and say, ‘What are you doing here, you’ve never worked a day in your life!’.
—Steven Wright
Topics: Babies
I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered French Toast during the Rennaisance.
—Steven Wright
Topics: Perspective
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
—Steven Wright
Topics: Death
Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
—Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
—Steven Wright
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
—Steven Wright
Topics: World
I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
—Steven Wright
Topics: Society
I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.
—Steven Wright
Topics: Autobiography, One liners
I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it.
—Steven Wright
Topics: Life and Living
Hope your Birthday gently breezes into your life all the choicest of things and all that your heart holds dear Have a Fun-Filled Day.
—Steven Wright
Topics: Birthdays
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
—Steven Wright
Topics: Weather, One liners
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day ’cause that means it’s gonna be up all night.
—Steven Wright
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
—Steven Wright
Topics: Contentment
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
—Steven Wright
You cannot have everything. I mean, where would you put it?
—Steven Wright
I made wine out of raisins so I would not have to wait for it to age.
—Steven Wright
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