William Claude Dukenfield, better known as W. C. Fields, (1880–1946) was an American comedian, actor, juggler and writer. Fields’ comic persona was a misanthropic and hard-drinking egotist, who remained a sympathetic character despite his snarling contempt for dogs and children.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
—W. C. Fields
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
—W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. “I’m looking for a loop-hole,” he explained.
—W. C. Fields
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
—W. C. Fields
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
—W. C. Fields
Start every day with a smile, and get it over with.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Smile
A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Belief
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Worry
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
—W. C. Fields
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
—W. C. Fields
It was a woman that drove me to drink, but unfortunately I never had the chance to thank her.
—W. C. Fields
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
—W. C. Fields
My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Value
It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Justice
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink, because when they get up in the morning, it’s as good as they’ll feel all day.
—W. C. Fields
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Worry
A woman drove me to drink, and I’ll be a son-of-a-gun but I never even wrote to thank her.
—W. C. Fields
Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
—W. C. Fields
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
—W. C. Fields
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
—W. C. Fields
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Money, Poverty, Wealth
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Confidence
I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Greatness
After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Health
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
—W. C. Fields
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink; that is the one thing I am indebted to her for.
—W. C. Fields
Any man who hates children can’t be all bad.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Children
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: World
It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
—W. C. Fields
I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
—W. C. Fields
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Women
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Life and Living
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
—W. C. Fields
Show me a great actor and I’ll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you’ve seen the devil.
—W. C. Fields
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There’s no use in being a damn fool about it.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Success
Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Gambling
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