Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Horses
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: World
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol, Alcoholism
Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcoholism, Alcohol
I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcoholism, Alcohol
My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
—W. C. Fields
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Money, Wealth, Poverty, Just for Fun
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol, Alcoholism
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol, Alcoholism
A woman drove me to drink, and I’ll be a son-of-a-gun but I never even wrote to thank her.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Wine
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
—W. C. Fields
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Worry
It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Morality
After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Health
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Women
I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Greatness
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
—W. C. Fields
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Worry
It was a woman that drove me to drink, but unfortunately I never had the chance to thank her.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink; that is the one thing I am indebted to her for.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Wine
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Hate, Prejudice
Show me a great actor and I’ll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you’ve seen the devil.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Acting, Actors
If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
—W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. “I’m looking for a loop-hole,” he explained.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Bible
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Confidence
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
—W. C. Fields
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: City Life, Cities
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol, Alcoholism
A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol, Funny quotes, Belief
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Elections, Voting
Wondering Whom to Read Next?
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- Steven Wright American Comedian
- Phyllis Diller American Actor
- Whoopi Goldberg American Comedian
- Will Rogers American Humorist, Actor
- Joan Rivers American Entertainer
- Bob Newhart American Comedian
- Lucille Ball American Actor
- Jim Carrey Canadian Actor
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