Inspirational Quotes by W. C. Fields (American Actor)

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
—W. C. Fields

A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Belief, Alcohol

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
—W. C. Fields

Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Gambling

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol

It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Justice

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
—W. C. Fields

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Life and Living

I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol

It was a woman that drove me to drink, but unfortunately I never had the chance to thank her.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Women

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Prejudice

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
—W. C. Fields

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Cities

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. “I’m looking for a loop-hole,” he explained.
—W. C. Fields

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Worry

Show me a great actor and I’ll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you’ve seen the devil.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Acting, Actors

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink; that is the one thing I am indebted to her for.
—W. C. Fields

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Morality

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Worry

Any man who hates children can’t be all bad.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Children

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Confidence

Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol

I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Greatness

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
—W. C. Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Poverty, Wealth, Money

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Horses

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: World

A woman drove me to drink, and I’ll be a son-of-a-gun but I never even wrote to thank her.
—W. C. Fields

After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Health

Start every day with a smile, and get it over with.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Smile

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Value

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