The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Marriage, Secrets
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o clock.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Money
You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Love
I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Wives, Marriage
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up—they have no holidays.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Holidays
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Shopping
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
—Henny Youngman
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for in the morning, sleep late.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Sleeping, Morning, Regret
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn’t come in until half-past five.
—Henny Youngman
What is a home without children?. Quiet.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: One liners, Children
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Alcohol, Drinking
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it’s light, she starts to eat.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Weight, Diet
When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch up my X rays.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Health
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
—Henny Youngman
Wondering Whom to Read Next?
- Bob Hope British-born American Comedian, Film Actor
- Vincent Price American Actor
- Tim Robbins American Actor, Director
- Milton Berle American Entertainer
- Fred Astaire American Dancer, Singer
- Will Rogers American Humorist, Actor
- Edward Everett Horton American Actor
- Joan Rivers American Entertainer
- Frank Sinatra American Singer
- Buddy Hackett American Comedian
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